Self Discovery and Moving on to Discover the Real Meaning of Love

Posted by on November 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

It’s been a long time since I sat down to write something about myself. I have to pen down the most difficult period of my life to encourage anyone reading this post to hang on to Jesus, the True Saviour and King who has never failed to give me strength to face my past and to deal with life. I am not giving up no matter how many times I get beaten down. You should not too.

3 years have passed since I have left my previous career to begin a new chapter in life. Like many, it’s a constant struggle to deal with many varying aspects of life. There were a lot of times I felt totally lost and at my wits end. Indeed, I am still going through a long and difficult journey of inner healing of the deep emotional pain that was inflicted upon me. Looking at my past, there is a long trail of emotional scars that will be with me as long as I live. I admit I still feel excruciating pain when I get reminded of those memories by some random incident or memory triggers. I thought I have the ability to forget them, but I really could not. If there is a way to erase those memories permanently I would definitely go for it. It would seem that amnesia is probably the best answer to it.

It was the end of 2010. I finally worked up enough courage to face my past after 2 years of what seemed to be peace and self denial. It was an unforgettable year of emotional and physical torment. I was torn between relationships, friendships, family ties, health and career. I went through many countless nights drenching my bed with tears. This hurt so bad to the extent that it slowly start to eat at me and my health was adversely affected. I felt so wasted and drained everyday as I go through life feeling like the living dead. I know this cannot go on forever… I have to pick myself up and move on even though deep down I know I will never be able to forget what had happened. I recalled the last week of July in 2008 where I was emotionally destroyed in just the span of a few days. It was the beginning of my painful journey…

My first trip to Phuket turned out to be a complete nightmare. The tragic turn of events for the worse was totally unexpected after I returned to Singapore, it was the most traumatic and heartbreaking experience I had to face. I was completely broken, heart, soul and spirit. My heart was shattered to a million pieces. I felt indignant and at the same time, cheated. What went wrong? All sorts of questions were popping up in my head. I was utterly in despair, needless to say, confused. I am a thinker and feeler and I kept asking myself over and over again if I have given my best in everything I have done. I know I certainly did and have abide by my motto of living life without regrets. I have given my all to the person I once loved. If I could turn back time, I would not have allowed things to progress so quickly. I was naive to allow myself to be so completely vulnerable and honest. Agreeing to meet that person in the hotel room after being mesmerised by the smile and look of those eyes was a huge mistake. Though I must admit I felt my heart pounded and soared for the very first time in my life. I felt love …

Things progressed so quickly in the room when we went through horoscope compatibility, making small talks about life and on our family. It was also during then that person hugged me from the back when I was standing up. I felt love and bliss when facing Raffles City from the hotel room. I thought this is it. I have found “the one”. For next one month, We stayed together and it became very memorable. I devoted myself to keep thinking of ways to make that person feel happy and cherished. I did what i could to the best of my ability even during the last week when I was away at Phuket. All I wanted was for that person to be happy and enjoy the best things in life.

Nevertheless, I guess it was the wrong time and wrong place. I chose to ignore my instincts and gut feelings along the way that were warning me that the truth was far from what it seems. There were a few occasions where there were obvious tell tale behaviors and replies that were weird and seemed fishy. It was clear that not all the cards were laid on the table. That person had chosen to deceive and misled me with lies to achieve what was on the agenda.

Till date, I still remember very clearly the exact words I have heard when I asked again at the Hanabi Japanese restaurant located at Odeon Towers. “I am not available any more” were the 6 words that instantly pierced my heart mercilessly. Cruelty is an understatement. Why did this have to happen to me when I just came back? I have made it clear beforehand that I was trying to end a horrible relationship before I can be with that person. It was a double whammy. A retribution and hefty price to pay for naivety. I ended up being hurt and hurting my ex who is now history.

I really do hate myself for the foolish decision to allow that person to hurt me a second time. My gut feel was right on target that it was to be a “compensation sort of dinner” to compensate me with food. I really felt deeply insulted. Instead of being told the bare truth nothing conclusive came up except hurtful words to dump and to get rid of me. It suddenly dawned on me that all that were said previously were lies from the beginning and I had chosen to believe in them. I was even called a “drama queen” for wishing that person all the best and not hurt the next person on the agenda. I was never the same again. A huge part of me was stolen from me and I was incomplete. I felt filthy and very ashamed of myself. What were once sweet memories had became unbearable. My life came crushing down quickly.

Looking back at those dark days, I numbed myself with endless nights of clubbing, crying myself to sleep, retail therapy … etc All i wanted to was to seek emotional gratification and to be happy again. However, I have degraded as a person. Instead of moving forward, i was stuck in time and slowly slipping backwards. Of cause, the consequences that came along were dire. I ended up in deep depression and what was left of me was an empty shell after a few random encounters in search of love that didn’t happen. I realized I was still in a wretched emotional state. I fell further into the bottomess pit of darkness, devoid of any happiness and love. Getting out was impossible during that period. I was at the end of my rope and can only hope for a miracle. Just when things seemed beyond hope, GOD came into my life. He rescued me when I was on the verge of falling off a cliff.

I am glad those has passed with time and the pain has became slightly more bearable with the LORD’s strength. I shall leave this to another story…

Before I end, I would like to share with everyone the true meaning of Forgiveness and Love. I have asked myself repeatedly. Have I forgiven that person? My answer is a resounding and definite Yes. In my heart I have and I wish the best for that person. I am thankful and grateful for the lessons I have learnt to make me stronger and wiser as a person. I know it is by God’s grace that this was allowed to happen in my life so that I will come to know and be saved by HIM. Through His words, God’s son Jesus Christ has shed light on the real meaning of True Love and Forgiveness that He wants all of us to learn and put into practice. The work He has done on the cross has taught me to lay down my life for my loved ones. If I have to die in place for my family and beloved in any situation, I shall not hesitate. That is the ultimate Love that was revealed, to die for your love ones and to forgive your own and their mistakes.

We are now living in the end times where sin, the main problem that caused humanity to fall during Adam and Eve’s time will definitely get worse before Christ’s second coming to conquer this world once and for all. Our lifespan is too short and insignificant in this sad and fallen world. Live and let live. Always treasure and cherish before it is too late. You never know when and how you or your loved ones might depart suddenly.

Leave a Reply